Month: June 2019

STAGES OF MARRIAGE AND CONFLICTS THEY BRING
“ Haven’t you read” he replied, “ that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female” and said “for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh?” Matthew 19: 4-5 (cf Gen 1:27,2:24)
Introduction: Marriage is a covenant relationship between one man and one woman before and under God, and who thus become husband and wife for life. Marriage is God’s idea and those who want to enjoy the married life must approach it in God’s way.
God made them male and female hence the original differences of sex and sexuality that are brought into marriage by both partners. These differences are not in themselves the reasons for the conflicts that are rampart in many homes. The foundation or reason for conflicts are often rooted in sin or sinful living, lack of submission to God’s word, and inability to follow in God’s path and pattern.
Every marriage has a beginning, and an ending. In between are different stages, growth and development in nature, which should be marked by achievements, accomplishments, that should be purpose-driven. Every stage comes with challenges for which God has given grace. Inabilty to appropriate this grace can lead conflicts that may manifest in divorces, strife and all forms of problems. Courtship should be an opportunity to know each other define values, clarify goal and purpose in your common destiny. People who want to marry must be prepared and must be ready. Readiness means you understand what you are going into. Marriage is for adults not children.
Parenting, career and ministry
These phases/stages taken together or separately constitute the most the stressful, challenging stage and yet the most productive, rewarding, and fulfilling stages in marriage. They happen also to be in part” the days of your youth” referred to by the preacher in Eccl.12:1. This is aptly so because this is when a lot of demand is made on the creativity, physical and spiritual strength, wisdom, resources, resourcefulness, vision and resilience. They are considered together because there are no clear cut boundaries between one stage and another.. Most people get married either before they enter into career or soon after and subsequently advance in those careers or vocations. At the same time they are in the process of giving birth to children and raising families. They are growing also in their Christian witness and impact in the body of Christ, and none of these can wait for the other. All must be held in healthy tension. The capacity to be good parents begin from their relationship as husband and wife:

Between Husband and Wife. This is both in areas of their private and public lives.

Beginning from honeymoon, the couple begin to know each other. This knowledge is both in the euphemism of sexual intercourse and discovering of each other’s habits, characters and nuances, some of them agreeable and others not so agreeable. If they married as Christian such discovering as snoring, culinary habits, dressing, intonations and mannerisms, or in the outrageous as exemplified above, the reality remains that they are both married. Some of these habits may be expressions of sexuality eg changes in mood and countenance during the woman’s pregnancies or monthly periods or carry- over of cultural and other habits from the home setting. In love these differences should be accommodated’. Love should rule the hearts and minds of both, and both should accept each other. While change may be desirable, the medium or vehicle must be love rather than faultfinding, or picking at each other which will only generate needless conflicts.
Of discoveries that are unacceptable in the light of God’s word, which have become sources of conflicts, the one that is spiritual, having understanding, should not succumb to pressure to conform; neither should be confrontational or quarrelsome. He or she should love the spouse, be prayerful and trust God for divine intervention.
Sex in marriage: God created sex, and this fact should be appreciated by the couple and in their expression of sex and sexuality. In God’s wisdom and plan sexual intercourse is permitted only between husband and wife, and is to be enjoyed as a celebration of their oneness. But sexual immorality should not be entertained by both or demanded by either of them. Anal or oral sex or masturbation, watching of blue films or pornographic magazines even when it is by both or either partner is anathema .While the demand or giving of each other in sex should not be for bargaining, punishment or gratification, it should neither be allowed to become debasing and animal without taking into consideration the feeling /emotions or present health condition of the other.

The knowing of each other in the sense of sex or reproductive ability comes only after the wedding ceremony. However, during courtship either should be forthcoming as to issues of potency / frigidity, previous experiences of rape, hysterectomy, abortion, vasectomy, genotype or other disabilities/ deficiencies that will impact on their marriage. Not to have done that will be dishonest. The couple in marriage in these conditions will prayerfully consider the implications and the way forward, more so if these arose in the course of the marriage. Issues of childlessness may also be inclusive whether in the short or long term.

Child bearing and child raising: These require a harmonious blend of husband and wife in the role expected of them. The woman is the one who carries the pregnancies and nurse the children, a role she cannot share with her husband. But that role carries stress and challenges during and after deliveries, which the husband must appreciate in being considerate, caring and taking up responsibilities that help to lighten the burden and stress on the woman. It may mean for instance that if the man was a lover of long tennis, he would shelve playing tennis in order to be home and available. The man should not trade blames on the untidy sitting room and kitchen or bed room which may have been caused by his ravaging children. He could share in cleaning and restoring order.

The growing children, from childhood to adolescence, from kindergarten through college to Higher institutions need food, clothing, education, shelter and real -time parents who must be available as role models, guides and guard, prime-time teachers and pastors as they come to terms with the world into which they have been born. Their need for their godly parents to transfer the seed of spiritual inheritance cannot wait for another day. They must be available to pray and agonize with them as they face the conflicts of peer group influence, the modern day scourge of the internet, television and a world that is boldly challenging God and the truth of God’s word.

Husband and wife should be in agreement as to discipline of children and the values that they both espouse and would want to pass on to them. The best basis for this is in shared common commitment to God in love and service. Because children will easily see through any pretence and hypocrisy the two should be genuine and consistent in their relationship with God. Family altar is one wonderful way of committing the family to the Lord on a daily basis, where children learn to pray and commit their ways to the Lord, and where the father is seen as truly the priest as he leads in prayer, teaching, exhortation and expounding the word of God. The family that prays together stays together.

It is important to appreciate that the family is dearest to God and the married couple should attach the highest value and priority, investment in time and resources.

Money (finances) and communication- These are often intertwined, and will generate conflicts when their place is not properly understood. Money may not be enough to meet genuine needs because of poor planning or unplanned expenses or communication between the spouse, primarily, and the children. When plans or commitments have been entered into involving money and these had not been provided for, conflict may result. Husband and wife must know what their income is, and neither of them nor the children have unrealistic expectations that cannot be backed up by this income. Parents should not send their children to schools whose fees they cannot afford both on a short or long term basis. Same goes for accommodation, clothing, food, vehicles. Marriage being nakedness between the two, when they hide from each other what they have, the seed of conflict has been sown.

On communication, the essence is the exchange of meanings; your spouse is the most important human being in your life and he /she should know by all means and without doubt. Spend quality time with each other and cherish each other’s company. Be friends.

One of the sources of conflicts is the unjustified absences of one spouse from the other especially at critical moments. Show interest in each other’s work, career, activities etc and help each other. Discover the ways of communicating effectively special to you as a couple. Your spouse should know you are happy, sad, ill, troubled throughyour word and countenance. Have clear communication lines. Say or communicate what you mean in such a way that your spouse is not in doubt. Your spouse should know you, and in vouching for you not be disappointed.
(v) The home and shared responsibilities- This goes beyond the responsibility for children, or mere quota allocation from either or both. The fulfilling marriage is in essence one that is an overflow in the goodness and riches of God, pouring out in blessings to others readily and spontaneously. The home should be open and welcome to both spouses’ parents and others however with the understanding that only what is godly will be upheld. And because these could come with challenges, so wisdom, understanding and love are required. Material/financial provisions for parents should be planned and lovingly delivered. These include responding to their health needs, especially in old age. Consider these a sacred responsibility. No parents should be treated like an outlaw or unwanted. Your home is what you make of it. Make it hospitable and inviting by your warmth, gracefulness patience, loveliness- and these will show on your face as you open the door.
Career and ministry: Career has to do with the work, profession or vocation that either of the couple pursues. Career pursuit usually serves the dual purpose of bringing in much needed financial income, and the goal of service and self actualization. Where a career choice is work in a structured organization, there is invariably much demand in late hours in the office, travels and much work besides. Travels and late hours could have very negative impacts especially when it is the mother of young growing children. It will mean looking at priorities between career and family, prayerfully.
Careers that happen to be calling into full time ministry and mission work present challenges that are peculiar. The motivation for the full time calling should not be money, fame or recognition in the sense of secular work or vocations. Money may not be enough and its inflow unpredictable. And it could be sometimes trying meeting the material and financial needs of spouse, children, parents and other people who genuinely look up to the couple. Neither spouse should have unrealistic expectations, nor should push the other to ways and means that are unacceptable to God. In the face of the church today that in part has succumbed to theatricals of “another gospel other than the one received” 2 cor.4:2 will be useful watch word. But above all, the couple must both learn to depend on the Lord, who is their inheritance. Certainly, there can be no regrets in serving the Lord.

Ageing, Death and Matters arising: The flurry of activities in the years of marriage, parenting, career and walk/ work with the Lord gradually taper off and mortal life begins to wind down. These are the years of ageing, the years of retirement. Although infirmities are very well present in the preceding years, they are likely more so now with degenerative changes in the body. Retirement could be for reasons of statutory age requirements or incapacitations. And invariably the children having become adults have moved on to other locations far away from home. The couple is alone sometimes in a large house with many rooms.

Retirement years are not for waiting for death. They are fruitful years which enriched by wisdom in the cumulative experiences of the preceding years should be impacted on the younger persons following. The couple should be active in church and community, giving wise counsel and teaching on right and wrong.

Idleness which could be prelude to needless conflict should be avoided. The hymn writer states “lifetimes is working time. Spend no idle day”. Activities should include physical exercises and walks, studying especially of the word of God. And they should be joyful times, as they both savour the essence of companionship and oneness in times, now devoid of cares and worries of parenting and work. They should care for and about each other, serving the Lord. They should in companionship care for one another in sickness and in health.

Death is inevitable and may take one before the other. For the Christian, death should not be anticipated with trepidation, for he or has the assurance of eternal life by the sure promise of God. However it is wisdom to give thought to what happens to your spouse especially, when you are gone, against the backdrop of prevailing cultural values and societal norms. It is Wisdom to do a will, clarify your stand to all interested parties, so as to save your spouse needless embarrassment or complications.

Conclusion:
“Marriage is honorable among all — Heb 13;4 (a)(NKJV
“Marriage should be honoured by all —–HEB 13:4 (a)NIV
The married life is ultimately the greatest human relationship that God instituted in His creation, from which family; church and society have their roots. Because it is about relationship, involving different people and resources, varying situation-conflicts will result and should be expected. They are not bad in themselves, and God has already made a way for His children on how they should be resolved. Marriage by God’s purpose and plan is to be enjoyed and not endured. Follow God, and you will not miss out on His glorious purpose for your home.

LESSONS THE CHURCH OF OUR AGE CAN LEARN FROM CHURCH HISTORY

One of the great practical lessons from Church history to the present day Church is her commitment to missions. The early Church despite the oppositions did not relent in carrying out the mission mandate of the Church. The Church’s main function in the world is to bear witness to her Lord and Master, by carrying out faithfully the commission with which He charged her after His resurrection: ‘Go ye therefore, and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them into the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost: teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you’ (Matt. 28. 19 f., R.V.). An impossible task, surely, for such an absurdly small and un-influential body as the infant Church was to all outward seeming. But the New Testament shows how actively and successfully the infant Church set about this business, undeterred by any discouragement. As time went on the Church found all the might of the Roman Empire stirred up against her, and attempts were made in one persecution after another to suppress the Christian name altogether. But such was the Church’s survival-power that the last imperial persecution, the severest of all, had barely come to an end when the Empire bowed in acknowledgment of the Church’s victory. This, as we have suggested, did not prove an unmixed blessing for the Church, but the wonder of the fact remains. The Christians of the first three centuries had little, if anything, to aid them in their advance which we have not. We have the Gospel, as they had; we have the Holy Spirit, as they had; and we have a spiritually hungry and disillusioned world around us, as they had. True, in their day the greater part of the civilized world was politically united as it is not to-day, but we have in turn those conveniences of modern civilization which were denied to them.
We are tempted to feel to-day that the tide has set strongly in opposition to Christianity. Not as strongly as in the first three centuries A.D.! A review of Church history is a splendid tonic for despondent hearts. Such a review is afforded by Professor K. S. Latourette in his monumental History of the Expansion of Christianity. Dr. Latourette portrays the expansion of our faith as a series of alternating advances and recessions.
The first advance lasted from the beginning of the apostles’ preaching till nearly A.D. 500. By the end of this period the majority of the subjects of the Roman Empire professed Christianity and the faith had spread outside the Empire—to Ireland on the west, and to Ethiopia, South Arabia, Persia, and India on the south and east. Christianity had begun to influence Imperial Law. It may be questioned in what sense, if any, it is ever right to speak of a Christian nation; but if the spirit of Christianity is written into a nation’s laws and constitution, a case may be made for describing such a nation as Christian. At any rate, Christianity has in this way extended its influence down to the present day in all those lands whose laws have been influenced, directly or indirectly, by Roman law.
The first three centuries of Christian history demonstrate that the church is most effective in the world when it is most opposed to the world system. Our Lord came to bring not peace but a sword. The church must be in opposition to the world, not in conformity with it. The consequence of that nonconformity will be the world’s opposition to the church, and this opposition produces strength in the church rather than weakness. The history of the early church demonstrates the truth of this principle, both positively and negatively.
At no period in its history before the nineteenth-century missions’ movement did the Christian church grow more rapidly, numerically, than in those early centuries when she was under both fierce and subtle persecution. All the efforts of the Roman world to quench the fires of the gospel served rather to fan them. Man meant it for evil, but God meant it for good. Persecution became an instrument of propagation: men saw the constancy and the spiritual transport of martyrs and wondered. More souls were won to the gospel by the deaths of some than by the lives of many others.
The fourth century witnessed a significant change, however. The frustration of the Roman Empire at her inability to destroy the fledgling faith led her to adopt the opposite method of accomplishing the same end. Rome ended overt persecution. One could no longer be martyred by political rulers. Rome now embraced the church. Her emperor declared himself a Christian and favored his new faith. Whether the motive of Constantine was a genuine conversion, or a political awareness of the organizational strength of the growing ecclesiastical institution, or the exasperation of having observed the folly of the other methods, or a loss of confidence in Rome’s gods, the church seemed to triumph.
The experience of the Middle Age centuries illustrates the truth that God’s people are always a minority. A few faithful are infinitely more powerful than many mighty. The Holy Spirit, through Paul the Apostle, declared, ‘But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; and base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are’ (I Cor. 1:27-28).
A trail of truth was cleared down through the centuries of ecclesiastical Christendom. Believers in diverse places and at diverse times gathered around the leadership of men armed with the Word of Truth. Largely unknown, limited in direct influence, often derided and scorned by the religious establishment, but making much of the Scriptures, they preserved the pure gospel. Though a despised minority, God’s people were ultimately to win.
The turbulent emergence of the Reformation of the sixteenth century witnesses to a third lesson, to the fact that true Christianity is always born and nourished in controversy. In this period particularly, the teacher may demonstrate that the god of this world, the enemy of man’s soul, allows slumbering saints to awaken only with a struggle. The resurgence of genuine Christian faith had to take the form of Protestantism–a protest against an apostate church and against the efforts of that church to continue to deny men the privilege of the priesthood of believers: direct access to God, His Word, and His grace.
Although controversy is not to be sought, it must be accepted. Wherever truth exposes error, error will oppose truth, and truth will be drawn into conflict. The believer must both stand and advance against the enemy. He cannot ignore the strife, though it is not of his making. Love is a noble virtue, but Christian love is love in the truth.
Finally, Church history affords ample opportunity for the present Church to know that Satan’s method is to counterfeit the truth. From the temptation of our first parents to the temptation of our Savior and up to the present time, the father of lies has tried to deceive man into believing that he can please God in his own ways. How many modern totalitarian regimes have attempted to replace God with the state, His Word with an ideology, and His Son with a pseudo-messianic dictator! But Satan’s counterfeits are not always so obvious.
We are conditioned to regard the ‘good’ in every mixture of good and evil, when, as discerning Christians, we should regard the evil. Few would value the scraps of good food in a garbage can. Just as the good food is totally contaminated by its association with the bad, so is whatever of good may seem to be in a spiritual mixture. In fact, the presence of the good makes the evil more subtly dangerous.
In our handling of the Word of God, in our proclaiming of the gospel of God, in our performing the work of God, in our witnessing by word and example, we would do well personally to be both cautioned and encouraged by these lessons. And our teaching must communicate these lessons to those tender souls whom God has entrusted to us
Also, this should encourage us to forge ahead with the missionary enterprise committed to us by our Lord, not to sit back in complacent assurance that this pattern of ever greater advances and ever smaller recessions will go on reproducing itself indefinitely with no effort on our part. It does give us confidence that the Lord continually works with those who obey His commission, and grants them accompanying signs. A study of Church history from this angle confirms the truth of His assurance that ‘…the gates of Hades shall not prevail against the Church’ (Matt. 16. 18), and the abiding validity of His promise: ‘All authority has been given unto me in heaven and on earth… and lo, I am with you all the days, even unto the Consummation of the age’ (Matt. 28. 18, 20).

References.
Bruce, F. F. (1949). Church History and Its Lessons. London: Pickering & Inglis.
Church History & Its Lessons. http/www.earlychurch.org.uk. retrieved 29th August, 2014.
Watson, J. B. (ed) (1949). The Church: A Symposium. London: Pickering & Inglis.

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